When I was 15, my English teacher made our class take the Myers–Briggs personality test. My mom has always made a point to talk about identifying with her personality type and how she was able to get to know parts of herself better as a result. When I took the test 15 years ago, I came back as an ENFP (Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving). At the time, this made sense and I considered myself to be an extroverted person. I consistently positioned myself around people and allowed myself little down time, especially if it meant being alone. As a kid/teenager, I spent plenty of time alone and found it made me massively uncomfortable when given the choice.
I know talking about personality types can sound silly to certain people but I’ve always been fascinated by mine. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been curious about personality traits, emotions and how the mind works. When I received the printed results of my Myers-Briggs test, I read through the various pages explaining my personality type, what types of careers I would be best suited for, etc. I watched as some of my classmates asked around for your type, then shrugged off their results and tossed them in the trashcan. From that moment on, I identified as an ENFP and referenced back to that original guide often to see years later if my traits still aligned.
From the time I was 15 years old, a lot happened in my life and it didn’t stop happening. I experienced my fair share of trauma that changed certain aspects of me as a person. As a result, I became less avoidant and distracted as a young person. I was forced to face certain big feelings and emotions head on with deep introspection and maturity. I can pinpoint certain moments in my younger life where I was forced to pull strength from a place that I didn’t know existed. Moments like that shape you as a person and bring real priorities into focus.
I took the test when again when I was 20 and my results had changed. Instead of an ENFP, I was now an INFP. I felt like I was having an identity crisis. Me, an introvert? It didn’t make sense. I had many friends and spent the majority of my time with them. It wasn’t until this time that I realized the actual difference between extroverts and introverts which is how they recharge. Being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean you’re curled up on the couch with a good book vs. hanging out with your friends on a Friday night. It simply means that when you need to recharge and process, you have a preference on how you do so. And this wasn’t always the case for me. I liked to distract myself and keep the momentum going as a way not to feel things. Of course, they always caught up to me and I paid the price in various ways.
As an adult, there is no doubt in my mind that I’m an introvert or still an INFP. The INFP is labeled ‘the mediator‘ and it’s described as:
Mediators share a sincere curiosity about the depths of human nature. Introspective to the core, they’re exquisitely attuned to their own thoughts and feelings, but they yearn to understand the people around them as well. Mediators are compassionate and nonjudgmental, always willing to hear another person’s story. When someone opens up to them or turns to them for comfort, they feel honored to listen and be of help.”
When I was in fifth grade, I was assigned to a school counselor to talk about my problems. Surprisingly, this wasn’t my first encounter with a counselor, therapist or social worker. Even at nine years old, I felt like a seasoned veteran when it came to therapy. I knew the routine when it came to a standard “intake” and how to move past the bullshit until we got into the meat of the problem. My counselor in fifth grade had an interesting experiment in mind, though. She assigned myself and two other students as mediators and gave us little training sessions. We would help our fellow students and mediate their conflicts. We listened intently as they explained the problem and we’d try to get to the core issues and encourage a resolution between the two parties.
Now I have to say, as I look back on this as an adult I’m not really sure how to feel about it… I do see the value in teaching kids how to listen to external problems and think through situations with a solutions-based mindset. The part I can’t rationalize my feelings about is putting kids who are already handling massive problems at 9-10 years old in this role. At home, I was the mediator between my parents from a very young age. I was mediating problems between grown-ass adults and essentially working out of desperation for some semblance of peace and harmony.
All of this to say, when I discovered the name of my personality type was “the mediator” I wasn’t surprised at all. It’s a role where I feel both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. I’ve found myself in many situations over the years where I’m mediating or trying to understand the problems of others to better serve them. In fact, at some point along the way, I felt this was my only real value to people. A way for me to feel seen or recognized by them when I wasn’t sure if they’d want me around for any other reason than to help solve their problems.
As an INFP, I feel things very intensely and sometimes all at once. It’s a gift and a curse to empathize with loved ones and feel things in a way that other people have actively trained themselves from avoiding feeling. The way I process information and retain things is more than often hell for me. I desperately want to detach and distract myself from letting my problems or the problems of others consume my mind space. I simply can’t no matter how hard I try.
Who knows!
Interesting data point, here are a few of my fellow INFP brethren: Tim Burton, Kurt Cobain, J.R.R. Tolkien, Nick Cage, Lady Di, Virginia Woolf and Isabel Briggs Myers (aka the creator of the test).