Author: Li'l Kendie

my brain feels like it’s going to explode. I took my bike out tonight for the first time in months and listened to music. It’s the first time I’ve been able to focus in a long time.

I’m in the process of selecting photos to encapsulate 2023. It’s really hard distinguishing which ones should make the cut as to not make the list exhaustive.

In the meantime, I’m actually really proud of this…

wrapped 2023

For the past few months, I’ve been trying to mediate in the mornings (not very consistently) but when I have, it’s been really nice. I usually view meditation in the traditional sense: in a seated position, eyes closed, being led by a soothing voice to silence my mind.

As time goes on, I’m finding meditation or rather meditative states in other forms, too. Today, I made a cup of coffee, put my headphones in and listened to Led Zeppelin. I closed my eyes and didn’t think about anything but the song I was listening to. I pictured myself back in California driving near the ocean and it was soothing.

I find myself going home in my meditation mind. I don’t think I allow myself to think about it very much but in these moments of silence, it’s at the forefront. Sometimes I miss unique American experiences like getting in the car and just driving. If I could do one thing right now, it would be just that.

A mental exercise I do when I’m feeling overwhelmed is to think of a time where I felt safe, a time that is so comforting without evoking extreme sadness but rather a feeling of security and equilibrium.

If I close my eyes, it looks a little like this:

I’m in the passenger seat and we’re driving home to Tennessee. It’s dark and the car is warm. Russ is in the backseat sound asleep. I look out at the road and there’s only darkness and the faint sight of the road from the headlights. In the background, I hear Mannheim Steamroller’s “Toccata” playing. It’s silent aside from the music and I find comfort knowing we’re on our way home. Soon, we’ll see the people who love us and tomorrow, we’ll wake up and have a cup of coffee with them.

I listened to a podcast recently about the art of solitude and how distractions have essentially melted our brains over time. If we don’t have silence, we don’t have the room for creativity. My mind has felt so cloudy and as a result, I haven’t had the ability to focus on anything creative at all. I like to write, I enjoy using my film camera and yet I’ve found ways to do everything except those things. I’ve fallen victim to aimlessly scrolling, talking for hours on the phone or listening to music instead.

Recently, I took a trip to the bookstore and I decided to get a copy of A Room of One’s Own in both German and English text side by side. I started reading this book back in 2020 and the content is more relevant (to me) than ever. And now finally, I have a room of my own and money which enables me to write and create.

When I go for walks, I think about things I want to write. Sometimes I take notes in my phone or draft an entire essay in my head. Today while I was out, I sent myself texts as to not forget about the things I wanted to say. I’ve only experienced true mental clarity a handful of times in my life and they’ve always been when I’m physically alone for a period of time. In that period of solitude, I’ve been able to breakthrough to something that didn’t seem possible in other times.

In 2019, just months before the pandemic, I was living in Berkeley and I experienced said clarity. I remember my mind felt so clear and I was seeing things for what they were for the first time in a long time. I drove across the bay bridge one night on my way to see friends and I almost felt manic by the thought of how good I felt and the way I was observing things. I really liked my job, I made a good group of friends from scratch and I was living in one of the most beautiful places on earth. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was really settling into myself.

I can romanticize that time in my life but it would be accurate in a lot of ways and it directly parallels a lot of the clarity I’m facing now. The situations are quite similar in that I’m exactly where I want to be, making new friends and exploring myself in a way I haven’t in quite some time. I’ve tried things I never would and been exposed to so many different styles, cultures and experiences. I felt this way in California, too. I recognized that time in my life as a chapter that enabled life-changing growth, even when it was hard.

I wish I could find a way to organize my creative endeavours but that’s currently in progress. I’m working on my photos, reviews of movies, a newsletter, etc., etc. I don’t want to have any reservations in this regard anymore. There’s always a risk when sharing things you create because it reveals another part of yourself and leaves you feeling vulnerable or open to judgment. I simply want to create things and express myself, again. I think I’m getting there and I definitely have the tools to do so.

There is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”