Category: Posts

either it goes well or it passes

I wish I lived in the Shire but I do feel like my apartment is like a Hobbit Hole… lol

my new German song on rotation

i got this memory on my phone today. i can’t believe it’s been 7 years since i sat like this with Omie.

Happy New Year!

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It’s been a long time since I looked forward to the start of a new year in a way that wasn’t in hopes of restarting or erasing the previous one. I recently read something that a friend of mine wrote that talked about how 2025 was the first time in two years that she wouldn’t simply be “surviving” anymore but actually living and able to be creative or hopeful again. 2023 and 2024 were formative years for me and each served their purpose but I’ll be honest, they were brutal and often unforgiving in their own ways at times, too. Moving abroad took a solid two years (in combination with a few other things) to feel settled and like I was standing on solid ground. The back half of 2024 propelled me into action and got me moving in a way I had been stuck for many months. I’ve been carried by this momentum until now and feel the current pushing me into another year. This sounds passive but the momentum and action came from me so now I’m just benefitting from a front loaded previous year.

I’ve always appreciated the idea of a new start whether it be a day, week, month or year. I don’t expect to be a new person on January 1 by any means, but I do use a new year as a starting point to set new goals and review the previous year. 2024 was a year of hard emotional work, loss/grief, exercise, travel, new opportunities, acceptance, etc. But now for the first time in a while, life feels much lighter and I’m eager to do things again. I stood in the hallway two nights ago and talked to my neighbor, the Monk, about the new year and energies. He told me the minute you doubt a situation, yourself, whatever it may be, you’ve already lost. He said this time of year is filled with positive energy and momentum from everyone as a collective feeling the excitement and hope for a new year and it’s a good time to ride that energy wave. I intend to do that.

I spent New Year’s Eve with Adam on our couch, the metal blinds drawn and Russell heavily sedated on anxiety medication. I could write my thesis on the unnecessary use of fireworks in Germany on NYE but I think I’ve stated my feelings enough about this. Watching my dog shake and live in terror for three days straight is enough motivation for me to hate fireworks and their useless existence. I digress. So we spent the night watching movies, drinking sekt and made a nice dinner. We were in bed, falling asleep shortly after midnight and that was that. The next morning, we woke up and headed out for our first workout of the year. When we got home we decided to completely reorganize the house and declutter the space. We bagged up junk that’s been sitting in various corners of the house and it was extremely cathartic. For the first time in a long time, I feel organized and minimal in my space.

I tend to not make resolutions but rather set goals or make a list of things I hope to do by the end of the year. I posted my list last year so I’ll post it this year as well for accountability sake!!

• Visit 3 new countries
• Deep core exercises daily
• Read 25 books
• Get to B1 speaking level auf Deutsch
• Run another half marathon –> maybe a full marathon… we’ll see
• Get a new bike
• Take a writing course
• Watch more movies
• Take Bildungsurlaub
• Get ripped (lol)

Honestly, the things I care most about this next year in terms of personal goals are physical fitness, travel and improving my spoken German. Keeping it simple, baby! I ordered some cold weather running gear so I can keep myself active outside during the winter. I’m in the process of planning a trip to Portugal to visit a new place and see the sun for once during a gray Berlin season… and I’m continuing to see my German tutor twice a week with an emphasis on speaking to build up my confidence. Off to a solid start I guess!

I hope everyone had a good start to their new year~

 

When I got into the University of Tennessee, it was the best thing that had happened to me thus far. When I sent my application for the spring semester, I promised myself I’d go if they accepted me…and they did. I spent a lot of time gathering documents to prove my in-state tuition eligibility and searching for apartments. I had a nice job, a good school routine, friends and a boyfriend I was going to leave behind to dive into the unknown and start over completely new. When I packed up my car on that cold January day and drove eight hours to Knoxville, I didn’t know a single person at UT. I filled out a questionnaire to match me with roommates who had a similar lifestyle and off I went. I had my own room and bathroom inside a four person apartment with a trio of girls who had already spent the previous semester living together. For the first few weeks, I took the shuttle to school and came right back to my room every day. I’d shut myself up in my room until it was time to go to sleep. Aside from living with my older brother as a kid, I had never lived with anyone else or shared a space. I felt very lonely the first month and either drove to my dad’s house on Sundays or took the bus home to DC with my grocery money on Thursday nights.

About a month into living in Knoxville and successfully isolating myself from everyone, including my three roommates, I got very sick. Still to this day, it was probably one of the worst flus I’ve ever had. My whole body ached and I could barely get up to refill my water. One of my roommates, Mary, noticed that I was in there all day and not going to class. She went to the grocery store and got medicine and soup without me asking her to do so. She came in and checked on me every few hours and told my mom she was looking after me. As a person who’s never been good at asking for help, this take charge attitude caught me off guard, in a good way.

Mary and I had talked a handful of times before this and I knew she was studying to become a doctor. She took organic chemistry and spent her weekends at Hodges Library studying or working double shifts at her restaurant job on Kingston Pike. She was constantly moving and always pragmatic about it. After I got better, we became friends. We started riding to school, making dinners and going to parties or bars together. That year, I didn’t want to go home to see my boyfriend for spring break because we were in an argument. On the morning I was supposed to make the eight hour journey, I told her my hesitation. She suggested instead of going north, we pack our swimsuits and spontaneously drive to Florida instead. So we did.

I had a dream about Mary last night and the apartment we used to live in—not the first one, but our second one that overlooked the Tennessee river. I was walking down the hallway and she was standing in the living room asking me if I was ready to go. I’m sure I dreamt about her because I thought of this flu story yesterday. I’m sick now and the feeling while not quite as bad, is somewhat similar. My body aches, my head feels like it’s going to explode and I’m oscillating between freezing cold and sweating my ass off. I laid on the couch yesterday thinking about how helpless you feel when you’re ill and how hard it is to do every day tasks. I mustered up the strength to get Russell outside and on a decent walk so he could stretch his legs and use the bathroom. This must be the kind of reserve parents pull from when they still need to take care of others despite being knocked down. I’ve felt this on both a physical and emotional level in recent times.

Anyway, I’m sitting at my desk with a piping hot water bottle on my lap. My chest feels like it’s on fire from my violent coughs and I’m convinced there’s an invisible rubber band fastened around my head. It would be the only explanation for my unrelenting, splitting headache. I was just feeling a little nostalgic about that winter almost eleven years ago and my life then. It was in fact the best decision I had made as an adult up until my one to move to Germany, I think. Otherwise my life would be on a completely different trajectory. Also, I would have never met Adam or Russell!! I don’t want to go down that Ebenezer Scrooge timeline. I like things just as they are, despite my current cold.

I’ve been traveling a lot for work recently and I’m home now for the next two months. My brain has felt stuck in a freeze and it’s defrosting now where I can start writing, reading, visiting with my friends and replying to texts again. I’ve been out of touch for weeks and that’s made me feel disconnected and a bit anxious. I don’t know if I can pinpoint the origin of the anxiety but I don’t like feeling like I’m a bad friend.

I went to Vienna for work last week and stayed longer for a personal trip. Adam met me there and we spent three days in the 7th district walking around and exploring. Vienna is a special place for me as it’s where Omie was born and where she considered home. Visiting Vienna has always felt like a way I could still connect to her—even hearing the dialect and accent is a warm, familiar feeling to me. While we were there, I had Viennese coffees, visited the Christmas markets, went to a kino, an art museum, etc. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just enjoy spending time there and want to more often.

As soon as I arrived in Vienna, I went straight to the camera shop for a roll of film. When I got there, they had a little vending machine with different types of film you could buy any time. They were sold out of color so black and white was my only option. I say this as a forewarning because the last rolls of film have been black and white and this isn’t my new default. I always shoot a roll of film differently when it’s black and white, though. Anyway, I’ve already dropped it off for developing so I’ll follow-up with the pictures if they’re any good.

When I visited Vienna for this first time in 2018, it was a very intimate, deeply personal trip. It would be my first trip to Vienna but also one to bring Omie home, in a matter of speaking. It was never a question to me that I should bring her back to Vienna to rest peacefully. So on this trip, my brother and I brought her ashes to Vienna so our family could lay her to rest in her actual home, Vienna. This act felt like the closure I had been desperately seeking after grappling with her death for nearly a year. I spent a lot of time on that trip with my headphones on, walking around the city or sitting in parks. Since that trip nearly six years ago, I’ve been eager to bring Adam to Vienna so he could experience such a special place for me and for Omie.

It’s funny to visit a city like Vienna and then come back to one like Berlin. Each city is beautiful and unique in their own way but Vienna lacks the edge that Berlin has—an aspect of this city that I appreciate. When I lived in the Bay Area, this was one of the reasons I enjoyed it so much. There was an honesty to the place that I hadn’t experienced in other places. There was also a sense of pride from the people that found their place there and worked to make it inclusive and keep it authentic. I like that Berlin is a melting pot and not a traditional German city. But as I was thinking about this last night and inevitably comparing the two cities in my mind, a homeless guy spit on me while I rode the U3 home. I wasn’t in the mood and for a moment, it made me fatigued with the idea of Berlin… only for a moment, though.

I went to a yoga class last night and spent 90 minutes trying to get my brain back into a normal place. At one point, I felt the thoughts racing and I couldn’t settle into any sort of equilibrium. Then, as I peddled my feet in downward dog, I felt the hands of the instructor on top of mine. She wasn’t correcting me, but simply allowing a transference of energy to happen. I was actually surprised how quickly my mind came to a screeching halt and all I felt was calm and warm. Physical touch used to be something I strayed away from and actually made me recoil but within the last year, I find myself touching someone’s arm or feeling comforted by the touch of someone, even strangers in this case. I went to this class with a friend and we talked about this afterwards over dinner. We also went into the topic of energies and frequencies and I find myself thinking more about this as it pertains to who who I spend my time with or what activities I take part in.

It’s a Friday morning and I’m looking forward to a slow weekend. I want to get a Christmas tree, make soup at home and watch movies. I took the week of Christmas off (for the first time ever) and I want to be fully checked out and enjoy the last part of this year. 2024 was much better to me than 2023 and for that I’m thankful. I have my wish list for next year but things certainly feel lighter and I’m hopeful about the plans I can make.

from the drafts- October 3, 2024

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it’s almost 3 am and i can’t sleep. there’s something comforting to me about being an adult and having my own place in situations like these. i have the ability to switch rooms and turn the lights or tv for a change of scenery and having the freedom to do so. i’m sitting on the floor of my living room next to a space heater, with my headphones on…of course.

yesterday was strange for me and i felt off all day. i found myself standing in the kitchen staring blankly for minutes on end. the night prior i had a recurring night terror where i wake up suddenly and realize i’m living in a foreign country all alone and feel terrified by that thought all at once. the night anxiety has improved greatly over the past six months but for reasons unknown, it hit me hard yesterday.

as i sit here, i have a lot of thoughts racing through my head. mind you, i’m still half asleep. i’m listening to this song which i have a strong emotional tie to and i’m not sure i can explain it. i’ll try. it reminds me of standing in a small club in Budapest with my good friend Peter on a February night feeling very lost. the band playing had a set with a deep blue light show and i remember swaying back and forth wondering what the hell i was doing with my life. later, i listened to this song a lot when i ran and it kind of gave me purpose in that sense because it has a nice build.

i’m a firm believer in timing and signs from the universe. in some way or another, i’ve been exactly where i was supposed to be when i was there. sometimes timing is cruel and i can’t make sense of it but for the sake of my sanity, i choose to trust that there’s a bigger reason for it all.

now i’m just rambling.

i guess what i’m trying to say is: everything has played out the way it was supposed to and i have to trust that. what else can i do?