feeling like myself again ~

Over a year ago, I wrote my own Modern Love essay. It wasn’t great but it was raw and honest. It probably needs some polishing… Before bed every night, I used to read an essay from the book. I enjoyed the range of love portrayed and writing style. I’ve read the column and listened to the podcast for years.

I love reading love stories.

Recently, I’ve been listening to a book about love and connection when I go for walks. It got me thinking about the different types of love I’ve experienced in my life whether it be platonic, familial or romantic. The love I have for my friends, Russell, or even myself has changed and deepened over time. I’ve tried to take note of the ways I show love or how I like to receive it in return. Loving each other is why we’re all here, right? To be loved, seen, understood and cared for? Ultimately none of the other shit matters.

I could write an entire book about the love and connections I’ve experienced so far in my life and every chapter would offer something different than the last. But in this thought, I wanted to explore a certain expression of love—one that I haven’t really though as such. An author explained how writing and sharing experiences is a form of self-love as well as outward facing love. It’s an expression of your inner most thoughts and experiences which for yourself can be cathartic and healing. In my case, I can confirm. In an external sense, it can serve as an empathetic bridge to signal to someone that by sharing an intimate thought or experience, you’re telling them “I’ve been there and maybe you have too.”

People do actually read my website and for that, I’m thankful. But even if they didn’t, I would keep writing. I enjoy looking back at points in my life or essays I’ve written to remember how I felt. I wrote about an experience in an unfiltered way recently. An experience too personal to publish but one that helped me understand and relive nice memories. It also allowed me to remember the bad ones, too. It was healing to let things flow out of me knowing they wouldn’t be read by another person. It was an act of love for myself, even if I didn’t realize it at the time.

It was recently my best friend’s birthday and by recently, I mean yesterday. Historically speaking, she is not the biggest fan of her birthday. I’ve always done a delicate dance around this fact because I don’t want to push the boundaries of what makes her uncomfortable but also want to celebrate her. I may sound 90 years old but the older I’ve gotten, the more opportunities I take to celebrate anything or anybody. I love the fact that when September 1st rolls around, I get to feel a rush of gratitude that Carly is healthy, alive and still in my life. I love celebrating her and making her feel special. This year for the first time, she allowed the birthday celebrations to come in full force and even from afar, I felt like a part of her special day. Her friendship and our relationship means so much to me and has been healing for me in many ways.

Acts of love, reaching out to someone or reminding them what they mean to you is the single most important thing that’s within your power. . . in my opinion. I’ve been trying to keep that in focus as best as I can.

Anyway, I’ll jump down off my soap box now. I just feel very far away from the people I love. I miss my dad. I miss my friends. I miss home. I miss Omie. And you just never know with these things.

 

i love when you’re smelling perfume and you need a scent reset so you reach for the cup of coffee beans and BOOM, you’re back to zero

on repeat

one of the best feelings in the world is realizing i’ve only had one cup of coffee and i have another to look forward to

I took a road trip almost nine years ago to visit my friends in Florida. Instead of going through Tennessee, Georgia then Florida, I took the long route. I woke up super early, serpentined through the Smoky Mountains and went through Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, then Florida. It was such a pretty drive and despite being almost 10 hours, it’s one of my favorites I’ve done solo.

On that Saturday morning I listened to a playlist I was working on called Classics. I put all sorts of stuff on there ranging from Motörhead to Steve Winwood, Eddie Money, Van Halen and Queen. I was on a classic rock kick during the fall of 2015 and this was largely due to the fact that I listened to this music with the close friends I was on my way to visit.

Anyway, a lot of songs from that playlist make me think of October 2015. As I was driving that morning with a large coffee in the cup holder, Gypsy came on shuffle. I was thinking about how everything was coming together and as I looked around, I realized I was going to miss him while I was away only for the weekend. I had never felt that way before, not really.

And I did miss him. So when I hear that song, I think of him, and us and a crisp fall morning in the mountains driving by myself.

I had a long talk with my neighbor the other day who happens to be a Buddhist monk. I talked to him about quieting the mind and finding ways to swat away intrusive thoughts and he told me he struggles with this too. He said the key isn’t to eliminate them but how we respond to them which makes the most sense. I feel really comforted by sharing a wall with him. He refers to karmic actions quite often when we talk and I’ve been keeping this in my mind as I navigate through my days.

This morning I woke up early and went to an early yoga/mediation class. The meditation segment was 15-20 minutes long and I found myself so deep into the process (for once) that my eyelids were fluttering which is what brought me back to the moment. After a solid year of a fast racing, uncomfortable mind, it felt really nice to sit in silence and attempt to dull the static in my head.

We chanted a mantra at the end and it had to do with empowerment and self worth. Today for the first time in a long time, I actually believed what I was saying and putting out into the universe.

schönen tag noch ~